2017 has been my year of loneliness so far. It’s April, and I am fully prepared for this trend to continue through the rest of the year until December.
I just experienced my darkest day yet for 2017, just yesterday, on Easter of all days. The day we celebrate Christ’s risen body, how he conquered death and sin in one mere weekend. The day we acknowledge the hope we can have in Him because He has Risen. I felt incredibly lonely, despite the hope. Honestly my relationship with the Lord is feeling fragile – it’s hard to describe.
I feel like I don’t know how to pray. I just kind of sit there and go through the motions, but the emotional connection to him right now is distant. I know that I love the Lord and I know he loves me, I know he’s always providing for me, and even though I’m feeling far away, I also get the feeling that He’s close. He’s watching me, holding my heart for me. But that doesn’t mean that talking to him is easy right now.
Yesterday on Easter I broke down. Started crying at work in the back room, and my manager looked at me and goes, “Are you okay?” and that’s when the tears just fell. I said “I feel like I’m carrying 150 pounds of crap on my back and I just can’t do it alone anymore.”
She goes, “I’m going to tell you this because I know you’re a Christian, and you’ll take me seriously. Just give it to God. Let it go and give it to God.”
OH THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD YO. WHAT A GOD WE SERVE.
What a God we serve that designed us to be in COMMUNITY. What a God we worship that SURROUNDS us in his loving arms day after day. What a God we love that LOVES us so deeply.
None of those truths were in my head at this time, I was too focused on the burdens I felt like I was carrying by myself. God has such an annoying (but necessary) way of drawing us into Him. It took me to reach that literal breaking point at work for me to realize my whole problem – I thought I could carry it alone.
I have been avoiding telling anyone my problems lately, even God, because I don’t want to be a burden. I feel like my problems are very insignificant compared to the things people I know and love are facing and planning and taking care of.
I was wallowing in some self-pity, but also a lot of hopelessness and a bit of a depression, not knowing what to do while I was in the thick of all the icky stuff. I texted my mom and said I needed prayers because I felt like I couldn’t make it through my shift. I felt like I was drowning in my desperation to get out of the thick of it. I just wanted some relief.
I got let off of work an hour early because we had too many people and I had worked early that morning, and I went home and sat in the sun and admired the clouds – they float and dance and tangle in and out of each other and it was really mesmerizing. They made me think of God’s creativity and how small I am in comparison to the clouds. Also I got a slight tan (blessed).
I felt like God knew I needed that sunshine. I needed that peace. I needed that break from work. He always knows what we need. I worked through some things in my head and I called Austen and talked to him, and then I called my mom later. She always gives motherly wisdom and honesty and comfort all rolled into one conversation and sometimes one sentence.
This semester has been very difficult as I feel very distant from the people I’m closest to (Hi Austen in Germany and my best friends in MN), but we are at the tail end of it and I am SO ready to be done! 3 WEEKS LEFT. It’s crazy how fast it flew by, because there were days where it felt like this semester would never end. It’s been a difficult couple months. I’m so excited for this summer and all the sunshine and blessings the Lord will bring.
“Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore!” Psalm 113:2