Wow, it’s been a long time since I have opened up WordPress on my laptop, let alone my phone. It’s safe to say I’ve neglected my blogging habit!
Life happens, and I’m honestly not even sure when the last time I posted was. Just kidding – I just opened up another tab on my computer to look, and it was February 6. It’s been a solid 5 months. Granted it’s been a solid 5 months of changes, endings, beginnings, and continuations – what can I say, I was distracted!
All of this past spring semester, I was stressed. Freshman year of college I got a corneal ulcer on my eye (from stress), and my eye doctor asked me if I was stressed a lot, I said yes. He then asked if I was very Type A. Again, I said yes, and he told me that those who are Type A have a different stress threshold than those who are not. Makes sense.
Okay, I’m a stressed out person most of the time, so spring semester was no different than any other. However, spring semester completely FLEW by! College is going by so much faster than I ever anticipated, and through the semester as summer approached, certain things/responsibilities/questions have come to the surface of my brain more than usual: is now the time to really start looking for a summer internship even though I don’t really know what it is I should be looking for? Should I nanny over the summer or will I not have time with a management position? How will I get from place to place all summer?? Will someone sell me a car?? Where will I find community? Will there be a bible study? Should I start one? What dates will I need to request off over the summer for trips, etc.?
The list of questions goes on and on. It was obvious to me that I had basically no plan at all for my summer.
Slowly one by one, God was working in the details of my life. I actually have to write it down in order for me to notice. My questions were answered, the Lord provided me with a car (shoutout to Camille my ’99 Camry), and a great job that I still love and am excited to go to all the time (Justice 4 lyfe).
Despite God working in the obvious physical ways, honestly I still feel as though he has kind of left me in a dry spell this summer. I am feeling distant, complacent, and without the desire to pray or do any devotions. And I never ever feel like I’m a “good enough” Christian. The “good enough” Christians are always posting their cute inspirational Instagram pictures with long captions that describe how God is working in their lives. And that’s great, but that’s not me. I feel like God has left my heart kind of alone this summer, and that this is just a tougher season than others. It’s so hard.
I’m going to be brutally honest, Christianity seems to have become a production. It’s all about how you look on the outside, what you project to others, how “perfect” your life is with Jesus. Never really letting anyone in and talking about the really hard or “taboo” things, like addiction, purity, gossip, drinking, abuse, etc. Ask yourself, how good are your acting skills? I know mine can be pretty dang good sometimes.
Jesus didn’t die for me to pretend to love him for some 40 likes on Instagram. He didn’t die so that I could act as though I have it all together. He didn’t die so that I could be a total phony to everyone around me. He died so that I could be super rough, tangled up, sharp/cranky/snarky/sarcastic, broken, and a “crappy” Christian. Because he can take my crappy Christian self and turn me into something a little (lol more like a lot) more polished, refined, and glued back together than I could on my own through a post on social media.
I’m blessed to have best friends that don’t judge me no matter where I’m at in my faith, and that we can be Judgment Free Zones for one another. And I’m really really glad that Jesus is the Ultimate Judgment Free Zone, he knows I need it. I’m thankful for this dry spell if it means that God is just preparing something great for me later on in the summer. I’m grateful to be able to spew out my dry spell over a blog. I’m feeling pretty #blest.
As I write this post, I just keep thinking that I’m really glad I clicked on the WordPress bookmark I have on my browser. I think I needed this writing therapy session to talk to myself and make sense of my crazy mind! Thanks for reading!