I’m not gonna lie, as I’m writing this I have around 3 overdue assignments I should be working on. But I have absolutely ZERO motivation to do anything.
I always get this way in the first few weeks of spring semester, I have no will to go on with school, and I think it’s because I probably struggle with mild Seasonal Affect Disorder, which means I get mildly seasonally depressed, regardless of how many vitamins I take (though they do help). I tend to struggle focusing in class, doing my homework and turning it in on time, reading books for class, etc.
Does this happen to anyone else? I find this season to be so challenging. All I want is to quit school and go work and make money because I’m not interested in classes right now at all, and at least working provides a living. Granted, one day a job in the professional realm would too, but you know what I mean.
I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to do it all. I’m a junior in the interior design program here at Stout, taking 12 credits (which sounds like it would be super easy, but it’s not when they’re intense classes), working 20 hours/week, trying to make time for friends, family, and social activities, and also trying to take some time to myself so I don’t explode of exhaustion and overwork.
I can handle a lot, but this season has felt so difficult, and I often use the word “drowning” to describe how I’m handling my life. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m constantly disappointing someone. I feel like it’s impossible to give 100% into everything I do, so my classes tend to fall behind because I’m just trying to make it all come together at work and home and my personal life.
Speaking of my personal life: I have been dealing with a lot of emotions. I said farewell to my boyfriend (of 3.5 years) for 5 months as he goes to study abroad in Darmstadt, Germany for the semester – yes German semesters are weird and we don’t like them (I don’t like them). (ALSO: no, we didn’t break up) It was so hard to say goodbye. We haven’t ever spent that kind of time apart before. The cool thing is, even just last year, I would have never ever been okay with the idea of him studying abroad without me.
I was too insecure in myself and in our relationship, constantly afraid that he was going to find someone else while he was away. Now, I still have that fear, but it’s only about <5% of the time, as opposed to like 70%.
I feel so confident in who we are as individual people, and in who we are as a couple, and who Austen is as a man of faith and in his love for me. I know 100% logically in my head that everything is going to be okay, but it has taken me a hot minute to get to this point.
To God be the glory for this huge growth in my life! I am so thankful to have a God that loves me enough to take the burdens that weighed me down so heavily the past few years. I’m thankful that He’s blessed me with Austen and that He’s provided so much for us in our relationship.
I’ve totally neglected my relationship with the Lord for the past few months (!!!!!bad Christian alert!!!!!), and I am over it. I have no excuses anymore. I am excited to rely on God during this time and see how He uses it!! I’m so excited to see what he’s going to do in both me and Austen’s hearts during this time and how we’re going to grow in our relationship while he’s gone.
I’ve already seen God providing, as I have had friends and family reach out to me to let me know they’re praying for the both of us. I’m so thankful for that – Lord knows I need the prayers. HOWEVER, I DIDN’T EVEN CRY ONCE TODAY SO BOOYAH FOR THAT!! God’s already working 😉 I was a ball of tears for the better part of yesterday – but I’m going to blame that on the fact that Austen was on a plane and I spent my time worried that he was dead in the Atlantic.
My roommate Emilie made me a cute painting I have hanging up in my room right now, and it says “Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid,” (John 14:27) and that’s a great reminder for me as I tend to retreat to worry and anxiety, my “safe” spaces. My best friend Courtney texted me today to let me know that she had been praying for Austen and I today, and that the word courage kept coming to her mind, and I think that’s SO COOL. Again, what a reminder!!
Well this was a weird jumble of complaints and recognition of God’s rule in my life, as per usual when I do a “life-update”/life reflection post. I’m so thankful for the Lord right now and that I have this Mighty Rock to rely on when I feel weak, trembly, depressed, and like I’m drowning. He’s a savior and he always comes to rescue me when I need it so desperately. I’m overwhelmed by His love today, what a good feeling.